Well, we have gone to churches here in town, first Garnett (so sad), then Memorial with Kim (full of nice people and we made some friends), then Park Plaza, and then Crosstown. I really like Mitch Wilburn's preaching at Park Plaza and the singing; they are remodeling the nursery (supposed to be really fancy too); they have active missions, young families, and youth and children's programs; and I know a lot of my old friends and mentors go there now. I really thought we had found a great church, but my father-in-law informed us he will not go there with us, and my mother-in-law has only come with us once without him. I would really like the whole family to go together somewhere.
I don't just want to find a church to go to on Sundays, I want to find a place we can really invest in, get involved in, and become a part of a church family in. I don't feel like Mark is in as much of a hurry as I am to settle into a church though, and that frustrates me, because it's not my decision, it's our decision. I would like to still be involved in youth ministry as a volunteer, and support children's programs that Jonathan is in. I want to go and find people to connect with, ways to donate time and talents, and just generally get to know people. So far, we have only gone on Sundays, and this was the first Sunday we even went to Sunday school as a family (Jonathan and I went once, but Mark was visiting Chad with his mom). We haven't gone on a Wednesday, a Sunday night, or to any other events. Tonight Park Plaza was having a chili cook-off, and I wanted to enter some chili just for fun and to be involved, but Mark didn't want to go. So, I took a nap and when I woke up it was too late to go at all. I'm beginning to feel guilty that I'm giving in to him too easily, but I don't want to force him into going, I want to find a church we all want to go to and be involved in.
The young families class we attended today was packed (at least 30 people) and that was even with a lot absent because they were having babies or being sick. The people were really nice, but they are all older than us (7 yrs avg I'd say), they all appeared to have more financial means, and they were all friends already. Plus (and this is just my insecurities I suppose) almost all of the women looked perfect. Perfect hair, perfect make-up, perfectly dressed in fashionably casual size 4 outfits. Despite all the warm welcomes, the efforts to reach out to us, and the sincerity they showed, I just did not feel comfortable. I felt like the nerdy little freshman make-over project invited to the popular senior group at the beginning of a teen movie that ends in humiliation and a lesson about being yourself.
I just kept thinking how much more fun youth group would be.
I want to make friends my own age, I want to know parents with kids that Jonathan can be friends with, but I feel so fake, so insecure, so posed with other adults. I try to be funny, but I'm not great at that, I try to smile, but it's forced. I love how kids can just open up to each other, embrace differences, and accept friendship in any form. I hate second-guessing myself, and the embarrassment that comes with saying something that gets horribly misinterpreted, read into, or just plain sticking my foot in my mouth when trying so hard to be nice, funny, or clever. I guess I try too hard, I don't want to be boring.
We have talked about going back to Memorial to visit some more, and I'm sure we could get involved there too. I have a few friends there who I know would love to see us come. Park Plaza is having a ministry fair next Sunday, and if we don't see any ministries that Mark likes, I guess we will go back to Memorial for another try there. I just feel like I'm wasting my time, when I want to be investing it.
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